Mentatul

Category: Parenting

Recommended parenting articles.

  • Parenting Dumplings

    Parenting Dumplings

    This is not about being a mother or father to a bunch of freshly cooked dumplings, nor about how to educate dumplings on how to behave once they arrive in the stomach. This is simply me dumping a bunch of useful parenting articles.

    10 Emotion-Coaching Phrases to Use When Your Child is Upset
    https://nurtureandthriveblog.com/what-to-say-when-your-child-is-upset/^

    Setting Limits Without Using Threats to Enforce Them
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201406/setting-limits-without-using-threats-enforce-them^

    How To Change Your Child’s Behavior – Without Punishment
    https://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/10_Ways_To_Guide_Children_Without_Discipline^

    When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’
    https://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html^

    What Happens to a Woman’s Brain When She Becomes a Mother
    https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/01/what-happens-to-a-womans-brain-when-she-becomes-a-mother/384179/^

    I recommended this one some years ago, but it’s so good I just had to include it on this list as well.

    The Birth of a Mother
    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/08/well/family/the-birth-of-a-mother.html^

    And here’s a bunch of articles from Janet Lansbury, a popular writer covering respectful parenting. Reading her is an eye opener and her teachings helped us defuse many arguments with our toddler and then child.

    Truths About Consequences
    https://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/07/truths-about-consequences/^

    No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame (9 Guidelines)
    https://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/^

    The Key To Your Child’s Heart (7 Ways It Works)
    https://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/11/the-key-to-your-childs-heart-7-ways-it-works/^

    Setting Limits That Make Mealtimes Enjoyable
    https://www.janetlansbury.com/2017/07/setting-limits-that-make-mealtimes-enjoyable/^

    4 Best Ways To Raise Children With Social Intelligence
    https://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/01/4-ways-to-raise-children-with-social-intelligence/^

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/04241-ParentingDumplings-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’Parenting Dumplings’ desc=’A number of useful parenting articles.’]

  • The Morality and Behavior of Children

    The Morality and Behavior of Children

    Some adults lack morality even after an entire lifetime. Yet, as this study shows, constructive ethical values are something that the vast majority of us are born with:

    https://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/09/magazine/09babies-t.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0^

    So when does one lose one’s moral compass? Perhaps, like almost any quality in life, it has to be cultivated:

    https://littlebearabroad.com/raising-pippi-longstocking/^

    Here are more tips about how to ensure the healthy development of a child’s behavioral dictionary:

    http://www.regardingbaby.org/2012/03/20/understanding-your-toddler-why-she-does-the-things-she-does/^

    And more:

    https://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/a-baby-ready-for-kindergarten-college-and-life^

    Obviously, there are many routes available when one wants to foster a child’s healthy emotional and intellectual development. All or any of these lead to a happier adulthood, to people we can rely on, to a better world of tomorrow.

    But there are also routes that jeopardize a child’s development. Here’s an article about self-soothing:

    https://raisedgood.com/self-soothing-biggest-con-new-parenthood^

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/03935-MoralityAndBehaviorOfChildren-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’The Morality and Behavior of Children’ desc=’Some adults lack morality even after an entire lifetime. Yet, as this study shows, constructive ethical values are something that the vast majority of us are born with.’]

  • How Children Learn

    How Children Learn

    About one of the most revolutionary books in pedagogy and parenting alike:

    “Schools try to teach children skills and knowledge that may benefit them at some unknown time in the future. But children are interested in the now, not the future. They want to do real things now. By doing what they want to do they also prepare themselves wonderfully for the future, but that is a side effect.  This, I think, is the main insight of the book; most of the other ideas are more or less corollaries.”

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/freedom-learn/201712/the-joy-and-sorrow-rereading-holt-s-how-children-learn^

    “Children learn best when they are not pressured to learn in a way that is of no interest to them.”

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/03147-JohnHoltHowChildrenLearn-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’How Children Learn’ desc=’About one of the most revolutionary books in pedagogy and parenting alike.’]

  • Worrymoms

    Worrymoms

    During the past few years I’ve noticed just how much of my wife’s mind is permanently connected to our son, perpetually preoccupied about how to ensure he gets the best of everything. I think at least a third of her brainpower is dedicated to ensuring his well-being and addressing all possible (and impossible) threats.

    It’s not that I don’t try to do the same, but most partners have it so much easier than mothers, not only because of family roles (let’s admit it, they exist even in the most egalitarian of societies) but also because of the “chemical advantage” of not having given birth. The male (or not-mother) body is instinctually less preoccupied with taking care of offspring.

    But the mother’s incessant worrying might end up impacting brain health. Even worse, through body-language, it transmits some of this worry to the child and other family members. I’ve come across two interesting articles that highlight these aspects. Here’s some useful knowledge to integrate:

    “Witnessing a parent in a state of anxiety can be more than just momentarily unsettling for children. Kids look to their parents for information about how to interpret ambiguous situations; if a parent seems consistently anxious and fearful, the child will determine that a variety of scenarios are unsafe. And there is evidence that children of anxious parents are more likely to exhibit anxiety themselves, a probable combination of genetic risk factors and learned behaviors.

    It can be painful to think that, despite your best intentions, you may find yourself transmitting your own stress to your child. But if you are dealing with anxiety and start to notice your child exhibiting anxious behaviors, the first important thing is not to get bogged down by guilt. “There’s no need to punish yourself,” says Dr. Jamie Howard, director of the Stress and Resilience Program at the Child Mind Institute. “It feels really bad to have anxiety, and it’s not easy to turn off.”

    https://childmind.org/article/how-to-avoid-passing-anxiety-on-to-your-kids/^

    “Like many devoted moms, perhaps you have told yourself that your worrying is simply the price you must pay to be the kind and caring person that you truly are.  This is a very popular assumption.  Many well-meaning, dedicated, human beings spend a lifetime of worry, never challenging this commonplace assumption, and never realizing the toll it has taken on their own happiness and on the happiness of other family members.”

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-would-aristotle-do/201105/moms-who-worry-lot^

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/03113-Worrymoms-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’Worrymoms’ desc=’The mother's incessant worrying might end up impacting brain health. Even worse, through body-language, it transmits some of this worry to the child and other family members.’]

  • Children and Apologies

    Children and Apologies

    Children do not perceive mistakes the same way we do. They are oblivious to most social norms and cultural taboos. However, children have been found to have an understanding of right and wrong from as early as 19 months old^. I believe they can empathize from a much earlier age (depending on the emotional nourishment they received as infants).

    The article below discusses how parents sometimes force their children to say “I’m sorry”. It’s a double mistake: first of all, the child is humiliated and secondly, the child doesn’t even understand the reason why the apology is made, hence damaging his or her understanding of the concept of being sorry:

    http://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/12/youll-be-sorry/^

    Around the same time I read this article, I also came across this beautiful poem about children. I think it is very much in the spirit of what the article says. Enjoy!

     

    On Children

    By Kahlil Gibran

     

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them,
    but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

    You are the bows from which your children
    as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
    and He bends you with His might
    that His arrows may go swift and far.
    Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
    so He loves also the bow that is stable.”

    I’ll end this post with this wise quote I found today. Again, something that just seems to fit right in:

    “Respect the child. Be not too much his parent, but also his pupil…”

    – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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  • What Artists Can Teach Us About Parenting

    What Artists Can Teach Us About Parenting

    Among the first questions I asked myself when I became a parent was: “what parenting book should I read now? Which is the best one?”. What the article below has taught me is that sometimes even an easy read can be more illuminating than all the books in the world. Make no mistake, there is a lot of knowledge that parents should absorb and parenting books are important. But so are little gems like this one, tiny pearls of perfectly concentrated wisdom, ready for you to integrate:

    https://www.artsy.net/article/artsy-editorial-artists-teach-parenting^

    Parenting advice should always be taken with a BIG grain of salt. I personally think that parenting is not as scary or complex as it seems. I stand by my opinion that it’s down to three basic behaviors^. But then again, even though I’m a father, I’m a man, so what do I know?!

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/02788-ArtistsTeachParenting-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’What Artists Can Teach Us About Parenting’ desc=’A tiny pearl of perfectly concentrated wisdom, ready for you to integrate.’]

  • The Birth of a Mother

    The Birth of a Mother

    I consider this article as a must read for all parents or parents-to-be. It’s short and to the point. Both men and women will find here information that few doctors talk about yet it is vital for a healthier family life:

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/08/well/family/the-birth-of-a-mother.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur^

    I’ve long believed that the physiological and psychological changes that come with motherhood should be planned for accordingly, long before conception. The mother must have a supportive partner that understands a lot about what motherhood entails. Of course, it’s not impossible to ignore all this, but why not minimize the risks?

    I’m quite sure that a lot of grief can be avoided if such information would be more wide-spread. There can be far less cries and misfortune for both babies and parents. Integrating children in one’s life shouldn’t be as difficult as the current “culture” seems to suggest.

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/02053-BirthOfAMother-Rune-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’The Birth of a Mother’ desc=’I consider this article as a must read for all parents or parents-to-be. Both men and women will find here information that few doctors talk about yet it is vital for a healthier family life.’]

  • Why Do We Make Children Sleep Alone?

    Why Do We Make Children Sleep Alone?

    As “the Internet likes to say”: this!

    http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-reiss-sleep-alone-20170324-story.html^

    I’ve been meaning to write something about what I think regarding having children sleep in their own rooms. Fortunately I found this excellent article first. It says everything I would have said, and then some. It’s well researched and will hopefully give parents and parents-to-be some good food for thought. Key concepts: emotional stability, effective sleep, nurtured development.

    To be clear: I have nothing against parents’ wishes for a good quality rest and need for intimacy. But co-sleeping is not necessarily mutually exclusive with quality of life for adults (as many, including myself, can confirm). Of course, co-sleeping doesn’t always work and in that case, it’s equally important for mom & dad to do what they can to be happy parents because parents who sacrifice too much become even more dangerous for their offspring than parents who isolate their kids in another room.

    Just as I was looking for a thumbnail for this article, I stumbled upon this horrible news^. Some parents actually found it suitable to administer hormones (melatonin) to their children to “help” them sleep. Parents do this without there being any long term study on the effects of messing with the neurotransmitters of these young children. Talk about complete ignorance in the age of consumerism. This happens when “religion saves” turns into “the drug store saves” (check my Consumerism as Religion^ article).

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/02020-WhyDoWeMakeChildrenSleepAlone-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’Why Do We Make Children Sleep Alone?’ desc=’An excellent article about co-sleeping and the Western craze of sending children to sleep in their own rooms starting with extremely young and vulnerable ages.’]

  • Boys Need Extra Empathy Lessons

    Boys Need Extra Empathy Lessons

    The fact that empathy is a career-enhancing skill should give parents enough reason to instill it in their children. The fact that empathy can also stimulate a social group’s technological progress through increased collaboration and innovation should give governments enough reason to implement it throughout the educational system.

    Here’s an article that explains exactly why empathy is so important, complete with the necessary explanations to drive the point home:

    https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2014/06/25/why-its-imperative-to-teach-empathy-to-boys/^

    Even though we evolved emotionally quite a bit in the past centuries our society continues to often exhibit a severe lack of empathy, especially when it comes to the male demographic. Perhaps it’s time for governments to realize that empathic men are more useful than those whose emotions were twisted in order to condition them to become obedient soldiers, ready to slaughter each other to fill somebody’s coffers. Perhaps that made sense last century, but we’re past the point where we can survive a third world war, so any investment in that sort of competition is a recipe for social bankruptcy.

    I insist on the government aspect because it is the fastest and most efficient way to implement such changes. Government controls standardized education. Education is what forms not only our children, but future parents as well. It is of critical importance that future parents are empathic, so that the children to come develop in a proper environment both at home and at school.

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/01861-WhyBoysNeedEmpathyEducation-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’Boys Need Extra Empathy Lessons’ desc=’The fact that empathy is a career-enhancing skill should give parents enough reason to instill it in their children.’]