North Korea & KickStarter

North Korea Open Sources Nuclear Weapons Program, Goes KickStarter

The Internet is abuzz following the news that North Korea has Open Sourced its nuclear weapons program. General Nuk Yu of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is the person behind a new GitHub account that has uploaded ballistic missile and nuclear warhead designs.

The repository also contains a how-to guide to avoiding United Nations sanctions, a list of countries and regimes willing to work together towards an Open Nuclear Stockpile and a manifesto about ensuring world peace through mutually assured destruction.

Eye of Vatican

Catholic Church Releases “PopEye” Digital Guardian Angel

Less than a month after introducing the SalveAtion Digital Assistant to the world, the Catholic Church is at it again. Wishing to expand its virtual economy, the Church has identified several key areas for improvement. Enter PopEye, a faithful’s most faithful guardian angel, designed to keep track of the user’s sins or lack thereof.

In case you haven’t been following the news, SalveAtion – launched three weeks ago – allows Catholics to purchase various Church services using a virtual currency called the innoCent. The currency can be gained by the faithful when they listen and share sermons or convert their friends to Catholicism. innoCents can also be purchased for real money. However, Vatican’s Business Intelligence division has noticed that shortly after SalveAtion went out of beta, purchases of innoCents took a nosedive. This is where PopEye comes in.

Catholic Church Launches SalveAtion Digital Assistant

Catholic Church Introduces “SalveAtion” Digital Assistant

Faced with the prospect of ever-decreasing popularity, the old religions are starting to take serious measures in order to catch up. Taking some cues from the world’s fastest growing religion, Consumerism^, the Catholic Church has launched a promising new product.

“SalveAtion is one part virtual church and one part shop”, declared father Pepe Monezi, archcoder of the application. “We’re streaming an ever-increasing number of sermons. Faithful Catholics will receive in-app currency when sharing religious content on popular social networks or when convincing their friends or relatives to join our religion.

The Church’s newly established Digital Deliverance department is in charge with developing the application under the leadership of archbishop Dominicus Panteos. We asked the archbishop for more details about the in-app currency:

“Our digital currency is the innoCent. The faithful will be able to gather innoCents by doing good deeds, listening and sharing sermons and convincing others to install SalveAtion and baptize themselves. Of course, innoCents can also be purchased with real money.”

NSA Data Restoration Services

The NSA Goes Commercial with Data Restoration Service

During its first participation at the International Big Data Conference, the National Security Agency made a surprise announcement.

“We are in a fortunate position that allows us to uniquely compete with Amazon, Google, DropBox and other major cloud providers. Since we already have all our potential customers’ data, instead of charging for data storage like our competitors, our service will provide files and passwords restoration. Say you lose a beloved picture, or you forget some password. You just log in to the all-new NSA Data Restoration Portal and, for a moderate fee, you can recover any of your digital information”, declared Eddie Rainhouse, product manager for the NSA’s new Monetization Initiative that has been created within the Data Collection Services Division.

The news has already caused quite a stir in the cloud computing community. Private companies complain that they can’t compete with the NSA’s eleven billion dollars budget and glowing public reputation.

Musk Escapes Earth

Trump, in. Musk, out. Escaping to Mars

After months of reading the media coverage about the elections in the USA, the Tesla Motors chief has become seriously depressed. Fortunately, after a meeting with his secret team of advisers, Musk came up with a plan:

“We realized that there is a fantastic business opportunity here. There are very many Americans who, like me, would prefer to evacuate Earth after the election, regardless of who wins. Therefore, in the coming years, we intend to purchase several mining companies and strip-mine the planet, sending as many people as possible to Mars. For a modest price, of course.”