Category: Psychology

News concerning psychology.

  • About Expectations

    About Expectations

    Happiness = Reality – Expectations

    I came across this “formula” after a rather difficult day in my life at the end of which I found my expectations put through a blender and then thrown down the toilet. This isn’t the first time this happened. Being an optimist makes the clash with my own expectations even worse.

    I decided to look more deeply into this topic and came across the above formula, which for a while seemed to make sense. Luckily, I wrote this article and I realized that of course things aren’t as clear cut. It’s good that “expectations” seems to be a subject everybody + their dog love to debate. That made it very easy for me to find some useful information about the topic.

    First, let’s see what the “having no expectations is good” camp has to say:

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fixing-families/201312/5-benefits-having-no-expectations^

    The article above comes from an author of some 11 books and hundreds of articles. He’s making good points. But what I notice is that he handles only the negative part of having expectations, which is fine. But I find it very important to realize that “expectations” isn’t just a noun: it’s a complex and multi-faceted behavior.

    https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-expectations-undermine-our-relationships-and-happiness/^

    What does having “no expectations” mean anyway? And if such a thing is so simple, why doesn’t everybody just do it? As it turns out, there’s a problem with the “Happiness = Reality – Expectations” formula.

    As this (rather poorly typed but still valuable) article^ points out: “you’ll work your ass off to lower your expectations to lonely monk limits. Then, when expectations will be close to zero, you’ll get to: Happiness = Reality 0. Which really means Happiness = Reality. Are you kidding me?

    This nicely leads us to what the “expectations are good” camp has to say:

    https://www.huffpost.com/entry/expectations-why-you-should-have-them_n_8999466^

    So yes, expectations can be good. As the article above correctly points out: “if I operate by the theory of most and don’t expect anything from people, then where’s my inspiration to strive for more? If I’m not to expect certain behaviors from people in my life, what motivates me or them to develop into being the best version of ourselves?”

    https://www.noomii.com/articles/5552-happiness-reality-expectations^

    And now here’s an article about expectations and relationships. It drives some solid points especially when it comes to not accepting being treated poorly.

    https://www.gottman.com/blog/truth-expectations-relationships/^

    So who’s right? Everybody! These are all good, valuable points.

    So what to do? Expectations management. That’s how we, as individuals, can decide how expectations can either empower us or drag us down. So, here’s a new formula:

    Happiness = Reality + Expectation Management

     

     

     

    “Having expectations is strangling yourself with the future, hooked to a ceiling that can sometimes be as far away from you as never.”

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/03695-AboutExpectations-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’About Expectations’ desc=’Expectations management. That's how we, as individuals, can decide how expectations can either empower us or drag us down.’]

  • Kids and Screens

    Kids and Screens

    There’s been a lot of research in the past years regarding exposing children to screens (of various kinds). The “when and how much TV to watch” debate has been raging on for decades (with clear results but with even harder to apply rules, especially as a lot of people seem to not care about the facts).

    However, the new screens available to children today, namely mobile phones, pads, portable game consoles and other such interactive entertainment devices are an order of magnitude more powerful when it comes to influencing brain development.

    Alarm bells should start ringing when some of the most famous people dealing with technology try to protect their children from these sort of devices:

    http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/bill-gates-and-steve-jobs-raised-their-kids-tech-free-and-it-shouldve-been-a-red-flag-a8017136.html^

    I’m young enough to have been influenced by handheld game consoles and I distinctly remember how my school performance and social skills suffered due to how enticed I was by these gizmos. I have worked with software during the past 20 years and I am in a good position to understand how it is built in order to capture minds^, both young and old. Here’s what Facebook’s first president had to say about “exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology”:

    https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/facebooks-founding-president-on-stage-yesterday-we-created-a-monster.html^

    But enough with the technology part. Here’s what psychologists have to say about all this:

    http://www.somedaily.org/ipad-far-bigger-threat-children-anyone-realizes/^

    Like I said in another article, parenting advice is a dime a dozen these days^. But this is not advice. This is presenting actual cold hard science and even colder and harder decisions that must be taken. In our family, we will politely prohibit (guide with kindness, offer healthy entertainment alternatives) our son from getting near these things at least until he’s five years old. We are also curtailing the use of such devices when he’s around. Being constantly online is mind poison anyway.

    Update: And then, of course, there’s the Trojan horse aspect these devices pose. Privacy? What privacy?

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/02558-KidsAndScreens-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’Kids and Screens’ desc=’Alarm bells should start ringing when some of the most famous people dealing with technology try to protect their children from these sort of devices’]

  • Why Is It So Hard to Renew Certain Beliefs?

    Why Is It So Hard to Renew Certain Beliefs?

    It sometimes seems impossible to change somebody’s mind even when we have solid, fact-checked data. A fascinating scientific study^ explains exactly why. It’s called the backfire effect and this podcast^ explains it in ample detail.

    But if you want a bit of entertainment while you’re learning about yourself, here’s one of the best ways to do it – along with this excellent comic from The Oatmeal:

    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/believe^

    Other than the important teachings imparted in a fun and easy to integrate way (Matthew Inman’s superpower), this quote resonated very strongly with me:

    “I don’t have a way to change the behavior of seven-point-five billion people carrying their beliefs around like precious gems wrapped in hand grenades.”

    Because for years I hoped that there is a way to do exactly that. To somehow make people understand one of the most basic of notions: it’s not cool to kill each other. There are tons of other things which are quite uncool, but maybe we can at least start by changing this one thing before we can even consider turning down the volume when it comes to fear and hate. It all starts with forgiveness. And forgiveness starts with change.

    [ax_meta lnimgurl=’http://mentatul.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/02491-WhySoHardRenewBeliefs-Thumb.jpg’ lnimgw=’250′ lnimgh=’250′ title=’Why Is It So Hard to Renew Certain Beliefs?’ desc=’I don't have a way to change the behavior of seven-point-five billion people carrying their beliefs around like precious gems wrapped in hand grenades.’]