Catholic Church Releases “PopEye” Digital Guardian Angel

Less than a month after introducing the SalveAtion Digital Assistant^ to the world, the Catholic Church is at it again. Wishing to expand its virtual economy, the Church has identified several key areas for improvement. Enter PopEye, a faithful’s most faithful guardian angel, designed to keep track of the user’s sins or lack thereof.

In case you haven’t been following the news, SalveAtion – launched three weeks ago – allows Catholics to purchase various Church services using a virtual currency called the innoCent. The currency can be gained by the faithful when they listen and share sermons or convert their friends to Catholicism. innoCents can also be purchased for real money. However, Vatican’s Business Intelligence division has noticed that shortly after SalveAtion went out of beta, purchases of innoCents took a nosedive. This is where PopEye comes in.

Here’s what father Luigi Banuti, archcoder of the application told us: “We sought ways through which to boost innoCent spending. Sin redemption was an obvious choice. When a sin is recorded it will be stored in the user’s Digital Purgatory database until it is redeemed via SalveAtion, our other application. To keep our subjects interested, PopEye will offer increasingly large rewards the more days a person has been sinless.”

We asked Luigi how will PopEye realize that a sin has been committed: “We have enlisted the help of machines for this most noble work, but there will be supervision by mystic volunteers. PopEye will be a faithful’s ever-watchful angel. It will use the smartphone’s camera and microphone to send us information that will help our subjects attain a sinless life.”

When asked about the privacy implications of all this, Luigi declared that true faithful have nothing to hide. Interestingly enough, the application has been growing in popularity. Christians seem to be happy to have their lives beamed directly to God’s representatives on Earth.

Even more interesting is the tiny press conference held just hours after PopEye launched. During the event, which has escaped the attention of only but the most inquisitive of journalists, the Vatican has announced a sweeping partnership with the Interpol and law enforcement organizations in many Catholic countries.

For its benefit, the Church will get access to criminal records and minor offenses (speeding tickets, parking violations, etc.) for all of its subjects, ready for easy conversion into sins that can later be redeemed via innoCents using the SalveAtion app. As part of the deal, law enforcement agencies will be provided with information that can help sinners be delivered sooner and more effectively than ever.

Vatican’s newly established Digital Deliverance department has provided us with the list of rewards that sinless faithful can expect to get the longer they last without committing a sin.

  • 1 day, “Sinner No More”, 2 daily innoCents.
  • 3 days, “Careful Faithful”, 4 daily innoCents.
  • 10 days, “Sinless Decathlon”, 10 daily innoCents.
  • 50 days, “Devotee”, 15 daily innoCents.
  • 100 days, “Watchful Faithful”, 20 daily innoCents.
  • 300 days, “Ardent Follower”, 40 daily innoCents.
  • 1000 days, “Micro Saint”, 100 daily innoCents.
  • 4000 days, “Most Faithful”, 150 daily innoCents.
  • 10000 days, “Mini Saint”, 200 daily innoCents.

Clarification: officials were adamant that we should emphasize the “Pope” in PopEye and capitalize the “E” so that this most sacred software work is not confused with the cartoon character. We’re not so sure if this is such a good idea since some readers might spell it as “pop eye” or “pope ye” rather than “pope eye”.

 

 

 

This text has been published in the “Satire” category for a good reason.

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