Less than a month after introducing the SalveAtion Digital Assistant^ to the world, the Catholic Church is at it again. Wishing to expand its virtual economy, the Church has identified several key areas for improvement. Enter PopEye, a faithful’s most faithful guardian angel, designed to keep track of the user’s sins or lack thereof.

In case you haven’t been following the news, SalveAtion – launched three weeks ago – allows Catholics to purchase various Church services using a virtual currency called the innoCent. The currency can be gained by the faithful when they listen and share sermons or convert their friends to Catholicism. innoCents can also be purchased for real money. However, Vatican’s Business Intelligence division has noticed that shortly after SalveAtion went out of beta, purchases of innoCents took a nosedive. This is where PopEye comes in.

Here’s what father Luigi Banuti, archcoder of the application told us: “We sought ways through which to boost innoCent spending. Sin redemption was an obvious choice. When a sin is recorded it will be stored in the user’s Digital Purgatory database until it is redeemed via SalveAtion, our other application. To keep our subjects interested, PopEye will offer increasingly large rewards the more days a person has been sinless.”

We asked Luigi how will PopEye realize that a sin has been committed: “We have enlisted the help of machines for this most noble work, but there will be supervision by mystic volunteers. PopEye will be a faithful’s ever-watchful angel. It will use the smartphone’s camera and microphone to send us information that will help our subjects attain a sinless life.”

When asked about the privacy implications of all this, Luigi declared that true faithful have nothing to hide. Interestingly enough, the application has been growing in popularity. Christians seem to be happy to have their lives beamed directly to God’s representatives on Earth.

Even more interesting is the tiny press conference held just hours after PopEye launched. During the event, which has escaped the attention of only but the most inquisitive of journalists, the Vatican has announced a sweeping partnership with the Interpol and law enforcement organizations in many Catholic countries.

For its benefit, the Church will get access to criminal records and minor offenses (speeding tickets, parking violations, etc.) for all of its subjects, ready for easy conversion into sins that can later be redeemed via innoCents using the SalveAtion app. As part of the deal, law enforcement agencies will be provided with information that can help sinners be delivered sooner and more effectively than ever.

Vatican’s newly established Digital Deliverance department has provided us with the list of rewards that sinless faithful can expect to get the longer they last without committing a sin.

• 1 day, “Sinner No More”, 2 daily innoCents.
• 3 days, “Careful Faithful”, 4 daily innoCents.
• 10 days, “Sinless Decathlon”, 10 daily innoCents.
• 50 days, “Devotee”, 15 daily innoCents.
• 100 days, “Watchful Faithful”, 20 daily innoCents.
• 300 days, “Ardent Follower”, 40 daily innoCents.
• 1000 days, “Micro Saint”, 100 daily innoCents.
• 4000 days, “Most Faithful”, 150 daily innoCents.
• 10000 days, “Mini Saint”, 200 daily innoCents.

Clarification: officials were adamant that we should emphasize the “Pope” in PopEye and capitalize the “E” so that this most sacred software work is not confused with the cartoon character. We’re not so sure if this is such a good idea since some readers might spell it as “pop eye” or “pope ye” rather than “pope eye”.

This text has been published in the “Satire” category for a good reason.

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Faced with the prospect of ever-decreasing popularity, the old religions are starting to take serious measures in order to catch up. Taking some cues from the world’s fastest growing religion, Consumerism^, the Catholic Church has launched a promising new product.

“SalveAtion is one part virtual church and one part shop”, declared father Pepe Monezi, archcoder of the application. “We’re streaming an ever-increasing number of sermons. Faithful Catholics will receive in-app currency when sharing religious content on popular social networks or when convincing their friends or relatives to join our religion. The app also provides an instant baptism service. All you need is to do is say ‘Hello Salvation, please christen me’. Converting has never been easier.”

The Church’s newly established Digital Deliverance department is in charge with developing the application under the leadership of archbishop Dominicus Panteos. We asked the archbishop for more details about the in-app currency:

“Our digital currency is the innoCent. The faithful will be able to gather innoCents by doing good deeds, listening and sharing sermons and convincing others to install SalveAtion and baptize themselves. Of course, innoCents can also be purchased with real money.”

Naturally, we became curious what can be purchased with innoCents via the application. Sure enough, the Catholic Church seems well prepared for bringing itself in the third millennium and has provided us with a list of services the faithful can enjoy, along with an example voice command that can optionally be used to activate said functionality.

• “Hello Salvation, Washy my sins” begins an online confession with Washy, a virtual priest with a library of more than 2000 soothing phrases and 300 inventive suggestions for acts of contrition. The user needs at least 100 innoCents for the command to work. Otherwise, a “Be more innocent” error message will be spoken or displayed on screen.
• “Hello Salvation, lift me up” sends a request for a favorable mention during the prayer of the nearest local priest. Cost: 200.
• “I actually liked Benedict”. Cap with ex-Pope Benedict’s printed signature: 600.
• “Helpdesk my sins”. Online confession through our Helpdesk: 999.
• “Make me a bit pure”. Forgiveness of minor sin: 1500.
• “I like to show off”. Poster signed by a genuine Vatican priest: 2000.
• “Do me like in the church”. Online confession with a genuine priest: 3000.
• “I want to get stoned”. Pebble from the gardens of the Vatican (transport not included): 5000.
• “Make me really pure”. Forgiveness of major sin: 15000.
• “I need more fame”. Mention of your name in the monthly “May These Faithful Be Redeemed” public statement, available on the Vatican’s website: 18000.
• “Bling me up”. Flower bouquet from the gardens of the Vatican (transport not included, limited availability): 25000.
• “Put in a good word for me”. Favorable mention during prayer in a random church in Italy: 35000.
• “I ain’t no saint”. Submit your name for the monthly Virtual Canonization lottery. Winners’ e-mail addresses will be added in the application’s “Hall of Saints”. To add realism to the canonization, the user’s account will be purged from the database, so better do this when you have an exact number of innoCents. Cost: 52137.
• “Hello Pope”. Ask the Pope a question (answer not guaranteed): 82000.
• “Hello God”. Ask God a question (answer not guaranteed): 250500.

This text has been published in the “Satire” category for a good reason.

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