Musk Escapes Earth

Trump, in. Musk, out. Escaping to Mars

After months of reading the media coverage about the elections in the USA, the Tesla Motors chief has become seriously depressed. Fortunately, after a meeting with his secret team of advisers, Musk came up with a plan^:

“We realized that there is a fantastic business opportunity here. There are very many Americans who, like me, would prefer to evacuate Earth after the election, regardless of who wins. Therefore, in the coming years, we intend to purchase several mining companies and strip-mine the planet, sending as many people as possible to Mars. For a modest price, of course.”

Around the world, demonstrators gathered in support of the measure. Apparently, the same feeling is felt in many other countries; the feeling that democracy is a fake and that the options on the menu are controlled by the Establishment^.

We’ve reached out to NASA for a comment. We got the following statement out of NASA’s administrator, Charles Bolden:

“We’re really thankful to Elon. Considering that in the following years more and more of our country’s budget will go into buggy fighter airplanes^ and cyber-warfare^, we will probably find ourselves without a job by 2020. We expect that after the elections Elon’s business will… let’s say skyrocket… and he’ll definitely consider hiring us into the sprawling SpaceX empire.”

Not surprisingly, many personalities have already pledged several hundreds of millions of dollars in order to be on the first boat to leave the backward, dying world.

“We’ll bring high quality rap to Mars, we’ll make Mars an artist’s paradise”, said Kanye West, donning a cap with a blinged-out racing car wheel with a picture of Mars in the middle.

Religious personalities won’t be missing either. Here’s what Romanian Orthodox Church leader Patriarch Daniel had to say: “We believe that every man, woman and child has the right to spiritual education. Our 21st century educational model is unsurpassed in the entire Europe. Our Sunday School will provide the perfect spiritual nourishment for the home-sick cosmonaut.”

BREAKING UPDATE: soon after publishing this article, we were contacted by Donald Trump’s campaign HQ with the following statement:

Donald would like to thank you for publishing what is undoubtedly a truth of the modern world. This state of fact has upset Mister Trump for a great many years, which is partially the reason for his sometimes erratic behavior. However, Donald would like to promise that shortly after he is being elected, he will formally request that SpaceX is given at least as much budget as NASA.

Also, as a new-found faithful Christian, Donald will take a page from the Bible and send his flesh and blood, his son, lovingly called Donald Trump Junior, as one of the first colonists to Mars. Mister Trump has asked me to forward the following official statement:

“Donald will sacrifice himself to deliver all Martians from sin. He will work tirelessly from his mansion on top of Olympus Mons to best represent Mars in the colony’s relations with me, Emperor of Earth, Trump the First.”
 

This text has been published in the “Satire” category for a good reason.

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