During its first participation at the International Big Data Conference, the National Security Agency made a surprise announcement:
“We are in a fortunate position that allows us to uniquely compete with Amazon, Google, DropBox and other major cloud providers. Since we already have all our potential customers’ data, instead of charging for data storage like our competitors, our service will provide files and passwords restoration. Say you lose a beloved picture, or you forget some password. You just log in to the all-new NSA Data Restoration Portal and, for a moderate fee, you can recover any of your digital information”, declared Eddie Rainhouse, product manager for the NSA’s new Monetization Initiative that has been created within the Data Collection Services Division.
The news has already caused quite a stir in the cloud computing community. Private companies complain that they can’t compete with the NSA’s eleven billion dollars budget and glowing public reputation.
The famed American security agency has also purchased struggling hard disk maker Seagate in order to “ensure a steady and healthy increase of available storage capacity in order to accommodate more potential customers”.
So far, members of the NSA’s Data Restoration Beta Program seem very satisfied with the service:
“I accidentally wiped my iPhone. I didn’t even have to get out of the house to fix it. I just connected it to my MacBook and accessed NSA’s Data Restoration portal. Twenty minutes and ten bucks later, everything was back in working order. Even my family videos are there, along with all my applications. They even restored my Candy Crush progress. It’s an amazing service!”, declared Manny Datas of Arizona.
Another user, Lo Safeson was saved by the NSA’s PayBack Plus service: “Somebody hacked my Facebook account. I immediately logged in to the NSA portal and I used the Facebook back door system to reset the password of my account. For three hundred dollars I also got an NSA consultant to delete all stolen private information from the hacker’s computer.”
The NSA ensured us that they have a solid authentication service in place that makes sure that nobody except the user and the authorities can access the user’s data. It’s a custom built three-factor login process that uses classified biometric data.
For those that would like to enter the Data Restoration Beta Program, there is an early-hawk discount available until the end of 2016. For your convenience, the NSA has allowed us to publish a list of currently provided services:
- Full Data Restoration: restores any or all of your devices to the previous state of your choosing. Backups are updated regularly for any data-capable device. The backups will not count against your data quota, since the NSA has working agreements with most Internet Service Providers and is part of International Intelligence Agencies Coalition for Data Safety.
- Memories Recovery: using this feature, you can recover deleted e-mails or messages from any popular provider. You can also playback old telephone or Skype conversations, as long as they’ve taken place in the past five years.
- Password Recovery: as the name implies, you can recover your password, in clear text, for any website you visited in the past decade.
- PayBack Plus: provides counter-attack measures to be used against hackers involved in identity theft. You can remotely delete stolen information and expose hackers to public authorities.
- Sneaky Peeky: provides read-only access to your NSA history, allowing you to gauge the possibilities of the service and determine what sort of Data Restoration operation you’d like to go for.
- NSA MVC (Most Valued Customer) Subscription: also known as the NSA Prime, this subscription requires you to pay a small annual fee. Doing so will award you Data Restoration Priority Golden Elephant, as well as tempting discounts for any current or future NSA customer-centric service.
This text has been published in the “Satire” category for a good reason.